Aforadio Angel Search 2012.. It's over~

AFO ANGEL SEARCH 2012

I LOST AGAIN.. wtf!?!?!?

Last year, I participated Aforadio Angel Search 2011.. I was having fun during the entire competition till final night.. When they announce the winner of Aforadio.. I was fucking upset.. I went to depression mode for few months.. No doubt about that, I was really upset I did not win last year.. 

Move on a year later.. I participated Aforadio Angel Search 2012 again.. I lost again.. I started to question myself.. WTH I LOST AGAIN... I did not even get any subtitle or whatsoever.. I did my fucking best this year and NO.. Not even a subtitle.. WTH I did wrong..  

I was really sad the night they announce the winner.. It sound all too familiar.. I try to put on a FAKE smile so no one will notice I was indeed heartbroken inside.. The moment Angelia comfort me, I almost broke down in tears.. So I threw myself to beer though I know I was driving home myself and I was having gastric.. 

I participated in all kind of competition.. Never ever won one title.. I did not want the title for glory or fame.. At least to show my dad, I can win something.. Yes, to please my dad that modelling/freelancer world is not a piece of crap.. 

I am tired.. 

I am really really tired.. 

I am tired of trying for something that will never ever be mine.. 

I am tired of pleasing my dad.. 

I am tired of faking something I hate so much just to please others.. 

I fell into depression last year after I lost.. 

I am trying not to fall into depression now.. 

Oh god, this is so hard.. 

That's all..

This is how I really felt after I lost for 2 years.. 

I am happy being the weird and crazy one.. 

But I do not know how...

xoxo