Pain that I suffered from not being able to graduate this year~

Hi~ 

Humans that are reading my blog now.. 

There's something that I kept it in myself for a long time and I was unable to get it out for the past few months.. It sucks real bad.. That is why I could not even utter one word about it.. Well, I decided to share it with all my readers here.. Genuine or not? I have something to say..

Here goes,

I took my final year exam end of last year 2011 with high hopes that I will graduate and start another chapter of my life.. I had everything in my mind.. The day I graduated from INTI College, I would enroll myself in Mass Communication course.. Reason why? That is what I always wanted when I just graduated from secondary school.. But I could not do so because the differences that I had with my dad.. Long story short.. I thought of continuing my studies in Mass Communication after my Marketing Degree.. 

But my hopes and dreams came crushing down when I entered my HOP room and asked for my results.. I did not did well.. She told me that one of my paper was in the the borderline of getting me a Second Lower Degree or Third Class Degree by merely 2-3 points.. I was devastated.. I cried so hard after I exited her office.. It was heart breaking for me.. A year before my final year, I gave up in Marketing studies because I realized I really hated it.. It was not something that I want and I was suffocating continuing this course.. Besides that, everything in college became worse when I started drifting away from my classmates because they do not like my boyfriend.. 

Before my Taiwan trip, my HOP called me and told me that I could not graduate last March along with my classmates and I need to resit the paper.. My heart sunk.. I was saddened by the fact that I struggled so long in something that I don't love doing.. I have to continue to tolerate it for another year to end this nightmare. 

I cried real badly.. I gave up in everything.. My hopes and dreams disappeared right infront of me.. I could not accept the fact I was the only one left behind from my batch.. I cried so badly that I do not want to do anything at that moment.. I was devastated for months.. Even on the day of the graduation ceremony, I cried real hard because I could not tolerate the sight of seeing people happily graduating.. 

I do not want anybody to know what happened to me, especially my classmates.. So I distance myself from them.. I do not want to meet any of them because I am afraid they will start asking questions like "How was my results?" Even when I saw some of them and they asked what's my plan after graduation.. I put on a fake smile and said "I am going to freelance for awhile."

Directions in life became so blur.. I did not know what I want.. Till now at these very moments I am typing this blog, I still do not know what I want.. I became so lost until I do not  know why I still exist in this world.. 

Things got better after the graduation ceremony.. I told myself I am allowed to cry as hard as I could on the day my classmates graduate.. Then I will suck it up and continue doing my freelance.. I have to wait for my exam on August.. Irony, I still do not know whether I will graduate this year.. 

This incident resulted me in taking a year off from everything I ever planned.. Now my life is basically just travelling and working.. I have nothing else better to do.. I feel STUCK in the Middle.. It is really hard.. Every single one that I know in my class are starting a new chapter.. I am just sitting here doing nothing.. I have no directions in life anymore.. And I don't planned to continue Mass Communication because I failed in that subject when I was in Marketing course.. 

In a conclusion, I hated INTI College fucking much for causing this shits.. I should fight for myself when I first knew what happened.. But I did not.. I fell down and could not get back up.. It took me months to finally accept the fact I still can't graduate.. I decided to write it here because it is something that I hold on for quite some times and it's time to let things go.. Maybe it's a good thing too that I have not graduate.. I traveled much often this year to relax myself.. As for now, I am still sitting down doing nothing.. No thanks to INTI College.. 

I shall stop here.. This is what really happened to my studies.. This answers to question like "Why I am still a fucking students?" And why I don't give a damm about a lot of things in life? My soul got hurt.. I did not know how to recover.. But I will keep walking..

xoxo